Quickie Marriages, Sticking to Your Guns, and The Jewish Mother

"Who? Who - can Handle their Jewish Mother-in-Law? Not me. Last Yom Kippur, Oy Vey, it was Totally Fercockt!"Dear Racy JC,

It seems like my Jewish boyfriend’s mother is always causing problems between my boyfriend and I. Recently, she told my boyfriend, Jacob, who I love more than anything, that he’s wasting his time with me because I don’t want to get married yet. It’s really annoying because both of us are in school, living at home, and trying to save up money so that we can get an apartment together. Apparently it’s not happening fast enough for her and now she’s telling Jacob that he should see someone else. What do I do to convince Jacob and his mother that I want to get married, but not while I’m still in school?

Dear Smart & Sort of Single,

Wow! Let me first congratulate you for being incredibly smart. I know about this being young and in a hurry thing, and really it’s stupid. As Prince said, “Forever is a mighty long time.” Trust me, there is no rush. If you are truly with someone now as boyfriend/girlfriend what is the difference? As long as you know you want to be together that is what matters; the rest you can grow into with time.

So let’s get to the crux of your issue: the Jewish Mother.  That is a biggy. I actually just did a whole piece on toughest mothers-in-law and guess what? Jewish was one of them (see WWM: Mother-in-law-face off, Indian versus Jew). So let me say two things. First, it’s not your job to convince your future mother-in-law of anything; it’s his. When researching my book, I found that although cultural differences cause a lot of couples conflict, the conflict usually did not come from the couple, but the people around them (in-laws, siblings, friends). It is up to your boyfriend to lay down the law with his mother to tell her you are the one for him and worth the wait. If he doesn’t do that, is not just a small problem for you now, but a huge problem for your future marriage. Jewish mothers are infamous for being overbearing. That doesn’t mean they are all bad. They care for their families and want the best for them, but you also don’t want you mother-in-law making decisions for your future family. If your BF is not able to set limits for her now, just imagine what it would be like dealing with her over the holidays or during your children’s activities. This needs to be nipped in the bud, now. 

So what do you do? First, communicate all of this to your BF. Tell him about the long-term negative implications of not managing his mother. When you are with his mother be sweet, be nice as pie, but don’t be a pushover. You need to set limits with her too. And one last thing: let me just tell you a bit about where she is coming from culturally. As I am sure you know, Jews have been subject to a lot of atrocities thoughout history. And a big part of the Jewish faith is focused on bringing children into the world. So while she may be a near-term pain in the ass for you what she is desperately trying to assure is not only the happiness of her son, but the propagation of her faith. That is a strong thing to fight against. I think what you need to do is try to understand where she is coming from, talk to the BF, set your limits, and stick to your plan. The next couple years before graduation are not a big deal in the overall length of a lifetime. Trust me. When she first becomes a “bubbe” for the first time all of this mess will be long forgotten.